CapeCodToday.com – Cape Cod National Seashore (CCNS) Superintendent George Price today announced that occasional detours may be in place this over the course of the next six months on a portion of Province Lands Road in Provincetown.

In a release, CCNS said the traffic detours will be instituted to protect Eastern spadefoot toads. The Eastern spadefoot toad (Scaphiopus holbrookii), listed as threatened under the Massachusetts Endangered Species Act (MESA), breeds in shallow temporary ponds in the Province Lands. To access the ponds, the toads migrate across Province Lands Road on rainy nights, especially on evenings when the temperature exceeds 48 degrees and the water table is high.

Although not rare in the Province Lands, the toads would succumb to a high mortality rate if the detours were not put in place. “Spadefoot toad migration is an increasingly rare natural phenomenon that still occurs at Cape Cod National Seashore,” said Superintendent Price.

Although they are protected under MESA, the Eastern spadefoot toad is not under the protection of the federal government.

Ok let’s get this straight, we can’t use miles of our beaches because of Piping Plovers and now we can’t use entire sections of our roads because of toads? Where does this end? At some point we are going to shut down the Cape, blow up the bridges and not allow people here at all.

These aren’t even the good kind of toads that you can lick and then trip your face of for a few hours either, these are just ugly little road toads. The way I see it we should make them play Frogger if they want to cross the street. Every species deals with natural enemies and last I checked humans are a natural being on this earth too, so why should we have to add time to our commute? We were the ones smart enough to invent roads and Buicks, not the stupid toads.

Listen, compassion is a great thing, but to the victor go the spoils you know what I mean? If you road toads want to avoid going extinct maybe you should learn how to build bridges, we’ve been doing that shit for thousands of years already. Meanwhile you guys still look like fucking dinosaurs, get your shit together and evolve will ya.

WCVB.com – Excessive drinking is a risk factor for a number of adverse health outcomes such as alcohol poisoning, hypertension, acute myocardial infarction, sexually transmitted infections, unintended pregnancy, fetal alcohol syndrome, sudden infant death syndrome, suicide, interpersonal violence, and motor vehicle crashes.

Excessive drinking reflects the percent of adults that report either binge drinking, defined as consuming more than 4 (women) or 5 (men) alcoholic beverages on a single occasion in the past 30 days.

Excessive drinking also reflects the percent of adults that report heavy drinking, defined as drinking more than one (women) or 2 (men) drinks per day on average.

Here is how the 14 Massachusetts counties rank on the percentage of excessive drinkers from least to highest.

Barnstable #14
Middlesex #13
Franklin #12
Suffolk #11
Essex #10
Norfolk #9
Hampden #8
Hampshire #7
Bristol #6
Plymouth #5
Worcester #4
Berkshire #3
Nantucket #2
Dukes #1

And in related news. A new study to be released tomorrow shows that the pants of the residents of Barnstable County that were polled for this study are indeed on fire.

Seriously though this study could not be more full of shit. First off the parameters they set for what constitutes excessive drinking are simply insane. By their measurements every single person I know is a raging alcoholic. Wait, actually, I guess it’s entirely possible that every single person I know IS a raging alcoholic.

Anyway, no surprise that the two islands are partying their faces off, but Barnstable County finishing dead last? That just doesn’t pass the sniff test. The only logical conclusion is that you people are all a bunch of liars. Not to worry though, we here at the Real Cape will make it our mission to restore Cape Cod to its former glory as the alcohol capital of Massachusetts by drinking enough beer to skew the numbers back in our favor.

P.S. LIARS!

CapeCodOnline.com – FALMOUTH – An early morning fire Tuesday at the Towne Tavern on Main Street caused up to $5,000 in damage but put at risk a dozen apartment dwellers upstairs, according to the fire department. No one was injured in the fire, Deputy Fire Chief Michael Small said.

Rescuers and the police were called at 1:40 a.m. to 360 Main St. by a 911 call from an apartment resident above the tavern who reported smoke in his apartment coming from below, Small said.

The building is more than 100 years old, with a wood shingle exterior and an asphalt roof, and a mix of commercial rooms and ten bedrooms, town records showed.

All the residential apartments are above the first-floor commercial spaces, Small said. The apartments were equipped with individual smoke detectors, he said.

Upon arrival, firefighters found moderate smoke in the tavern and light smoke in the apartments upstairs, Small said. The fire department immediately called for additional manpower with a second alarm due to the “extreme life hazard” of the building and the obvious fact that there was a fire somewhere inside, he said. Firefighters had to wake up some people to get them to evacuate.

Hey Towne Tavern don’t you dare burn down! For those of you not aware of this wonderful establishment here is the skinny, the Towne Tavern is the dive to end all dives. It is old and dark and there is a trough in the men’s bathroom. They have appliances older than you and the drinks are cheap and strong.

In other words it is a true dive in the most classical sense of the word. The Towne Tavern is our kind of place. Nobody judges anyone there, patron or staff. There is simply not one tiny hint of pretension in the place or the people. Places like The Towne Tavern are dying off, getting torn down and replaced with soul sucking industrial boxes.

So please Towne Tavern, upgrade your electrical, add a sprinkler system or do whatever you have to do in order to not burn down. But don’t change anything else in the place, it’s perfect just the way it is.

Ahhhh… we’ve already been enjoying the sounds of birds chirping and sunlight after dinner but nothing gets a fisherman fired up for spring quite like the Herring starting to run.

May each and every one of you catch pig after filthy pig.

P.S. How about being a herring counter? Salt of the earth right there.

CapeCodOnline.com – BARNSTABLE – Former owner of a chain of Cape Cod convenience stores and two-time gubernatorial candidate Christy Mihos reached an agreement with prosecutors in Barnstable District Court today on probation conditions that will settle an assault and battery charge against him based on accusations he shoved his then-wife to the ground three years ago.

As part of a series of eight pretrial probation conditions agreed to by Mihos and the Suffolk County District Attorney’s Office, which prosecuted the case, Mihos must stay away from his ex-wife, not abuse her, complete a mental health evaluation and any treatment if necessary, report to probation and not speak about the case publicly unless she or her lawyer does so.

Well the crash is complete, Christy has officially gone from Millionaire entrepreneur and political powerhouse to Cape Cod Criminal. In honor of this achievement we are going back in time to one of our first posts here at The Real Cape. The following post is from November 10, 2013…

It seems that Christy Mihos of Cape Cod convenience store fame has seen better days. It’s the old triple whammy for the former gubernatorial candidate: bankruptcy, divorce and porn stars… wait what? Maybe this isn’t a story of the mighty falling, maybe Christy Mihos is a rock star? Here’s an excerpt from the article concerning his divorce proceedings:

She accused him of wasting millions of dollars on two doomed campaigns for governor in 2006 and 2010, as well as on strippers, prostitutes and porn stars. The couple filed for divorce March 27, 2012.

According to Andrea Mihos’ attorney in the divorce proceedings, her husband blew through $25 million since the sale of his convenience stores in 2009.

Christy you dirty dog! The trifecta! Strippers, prostitutes and porn stars? I bet my man was slapping strippers with Slim Jim’s and making it rain scratch tickets at Zachary’s.

You get an “atta boy” Christy, but there’s one problem. As we learned from Tiger Woods, if you play with strippers, hookers and porn stars, she gets the house, the money and the cars. Here’s how the judge divvied up the assets:

“The court’s ‘final’ numbers of approximately $2.8 million to the wife and approximately $1.1 million to the (husband) is a ratio of approximately 72 (percent) of the net assets to the wife and 28 percent of the net assets to the husband,” Scandurra wrote.

The judge ordered that Christy Mihos should have use of the couple’s condominium in Florida and Andrea Mihos should have use of one of the couple’s homes on Great Island, at 63 Smiths Point Road…

…Andrea Mihos gets a Mercedes, a leased BMW, a Land Rover Defender and a Land Rover Discovery, and Christy Mihos gets a Jeep, according to the order.

72 Percent. His wife got 72% of what was left of his fortune. She got the Cape Cod mansion, he got the Florida condo. She got a Mercedes, a BMW and two Land Rovers. Christy got a Jeep. Seems fair.

According to Wikipedia Christy Mihos now says he has $7,000 to his name. He blew through over $25 million. He is the real life Brewster’s millions, but instead of inheriting $300 million for pissing through his money, Christy’s consolation prize is a Jeep, a condo in Boca and gonorrhea? Only in America!

MVGazette.com – An Edgartown man was arrested on several charges after he allegedly drove through the wall of the Net Result in Vineyard Haven early Saturday, police said, leaving the popular fish market in a state of ruin and closed for business.

Abraham Torres Rendon, 25, was arrested and charged with drunken driving, negligent operation of a motor vehicle, marked lanes violation, speeding, reckless operation, leaving the scene of property damage, wanton destruction of property, resisting arrest and attempted bribery of a public official, Tisbury Lieut. Eerik Meisner said Monday morning.

Mr. Rendon and a female passenger were driving from Oak Bluffs to Vineyard Haven, Lieutenant Meisner said. As the road curves by Net Result, he said, the Toyota 4Runner left the roadway and drove through the front entrance of the store. Lieutenant Meisner said Mr. Rendon and the passenger left the scene, and police searching on foot located them in a room at a hotel across the street. Both were checked by medical personnel and were not seriously injured, Lieutenant Meisner said. The female passenger does not face any charges.

Mr. Rendon allegedly resisted arrest and offered money to be released from police custody. Police did not release his name or information about the charges until Monday morning.

The lobsters “were all over,” he said. “There were lobsters in the showcase, lobsters in the corner.” In a photo Mr. Larsen took as Tisbury emergency crews were moving the car out, a lone lobster is visible beneath the dislodged tank. The surviving lobsters — not all made it — were moved to a different storage unit in the back of the building.

Obviously this is an awful situation for the owners of The Net Result, but let’s not forget the other victims here. The Lobsters. Talk about going through a rough stretch. It’s bad enough to be trapped at sea and put in tiny tank with 83 of your buddies awaiting certain death at the hands of some asshole with a plastic bib on, but what are the odds of an ocean dwelling creature being the victim of a hit and run by a Toyota 4Runner?

Think about that for a minute, one day you are chilling on the ocean floor snacking on sea urchins and shit and the next thing you know you are gasping for air under a chrome bumper. That’s definitely gotta be one of those “how the hell did I get here” moments right?

Since you can’t sell the survivors it seems to me that the only thing to do is pamper them. They are miracle lobsters as far as I’m concerned. There’s just no way there’s ever been a lobster that’s been through more than these poor bastards. I say we start a GoFundMe page, get them some PTSD counseling and give them a little nest egg to start the healing process and piece their lives back together. I mean at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if they were just a shell of their former selves.

P.S. How about the guy trying to bribe the cops. Ummm… sorry man but an SUV completely INSIDE of a store is kinda hard to sweep under the rug.