I hate moving. I hate packing, I hate lifting shit and the mere thought of hanging a picture or getting into a UHaul truck is enough to make me vomit. That’s why I make my Mexican friend do it for me – they like that stuff.

As is the case with most of us, I’ve moved around quite a bit in my early adult life and met some pretty interesting characters along the way. In true Glitter Ginger fashion, most introductions and run-ins were awkward and occasionally involved the cops.

I moved into my fabulous studio apartment this past December, which is in a complex containing roughly 100 units per building. All of the doors look exactly the same but have your unit number on the outside.

So naturally, while returning from my run a little before 6am one cold, January morning, I accidentally broke into my neighbor’s apartment…while wearing a reflective vest and head lamp.

How does something like this happen, you ask? Well..I was 1-still new to the building 2- it was 5:45 in the morning so I wasn’t fully awake yet 3- I was freezing and cranky since it was freakin’ January and I had just made a sad, sad attempt at a 5 mile run and 4- I’m dumb.

I walked down the hall and put my key into what I thought was my apartment door, and it wouldn’t unlock. I began kicking the door and swearing in a full-on Ginger fury panic for at least 30 seconds until, much to my surprise, someone opened the door from the other side, while screaming “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

I jumped, screamed and looked up at the very angry, tired and irritated 45 year old man who lives in unit 34. I live in unit 36. I completely forgot I had my head lamp on (safety first when running in the dark; the last thing I need is to be hit by a fucking truck) so when I looked up I shined it in his eyes.

Mind you, this was still well before 6am. He threw his hands in front of his eyes to shield them from my forehead beacon while sternly saying “what the hell do you want!?”

“Oh my god, I’m SO SORRY. I live next door and thought this was my apartment! I’m so sorry”

“It’s fine – just go away. And shot off your head lamp”

Door slam.

I have probably made this same mistake at least once a week for the last two months. This man literally hates me and if I ever go missing I can pretty much guarantee it’s because my neighbor strangled me out of frustration due to my constant attempts at breaking into his apartment.

To the man living in apartment 34:

Sir, I am incredibly sorry. I’d like to be able to tell you that these mix ups will stop happening but I just can’t promise that. Mostly because I never pay attention to what I’m doing, but what I can do is perhaps put some sort of decoration on my door so I know where I live. Like a crown or I dunno, a Leonardo Dicaprio poster.

Sincerely, Glitter Ginger.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Roommates

My childhood best friend and I went to college together by accident. She was being recruited for soccer and I was honestly just putting stamps on envelopes that my mother had pre-filled with applications. I pretty much decided to go to the first school that accepted me. Turns out my bestie had a similar attitude and off we went to Southern New Hampshire University.

The girl in which my bestie had been matched to cohabitate with, full on decorated the room in Care Bear and Lord of the Rings memorabilia. She also sold kitchen knives. Like, for a living. That would be cool if you were, I dunno, a fucking ninja, but not if you’re knocking on doors pushing shit to house wives.

Luckily, my roommate wasn’t into kitchen weaponry and we got along great. That was until she came home black out one night, fell and hit her head. I got super scared because honestly, we all know that if someone’s college roommate is going to die straight up Lifetime Original Movie style, it’d be mine. So I borrowed someone’s car and brought her to the ER.

Turned out homegirl had a real bad concussion and since she was underage, (and clearly white girl wasted as she was drooling on herself and hitting on the homeless black man next to us who I’m fairly confident had worms living in his foot), the hospital called her parents. Long story short the roommate ended up weird hating me after the hospital incident because I “ruined her life” or some shit – all I know is bitch got mad, I didn’t care and BOOM Glitter Ginger has a single in the nicer dorm across campus.

Surprise Bathroom Guests

I made the idiotic mistake of beginning my college career while in a “really serious” relationship. This meant that I almost never left my room my freshmen or sophomore year unless it was to roll my way to the cafeteria or attend class. And even then I only made it 40% of the time.

Said boyfriend and I broke up midway through my junior year and I was ready to partayyyyy.

I was also the first of my roommates to turn 21 which means I made friends with rando’s and invited myself to the bar. This almost always ended in me getting a ride home from the guy who sold sausages on the street corner or the Papa John’s delivery man. Whatever, it’s basically the same thing as Uber, just with snacks soo fuck off.

So much weird shit happened my junior year, I honestly don’t even know where to begin or what stories to share. One time I made my new roommate, who was a super straight-edge and probably hadn’t even had a sip of alcohol before, take massive bong rips. About 10 minutes later she demanded to be brought to the hospital and took her pants off while shoving white bread in her mouth. I couldn’t be bothered and told her to quit ruining my high. We don’t really talk anymore..

One time, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and found a strange man unconscious on our toilet with all of our butter knives and a jar of peanut butter.

I’m literally not even kidding. I quietly shut the door and went to wake my roommates up to see if perhaps he was a guest or they knew who the rando was on the shitter eating all the peanut butter. They didn’t, so I bravely volunteered to be the one to wake him up and tell him to get the fuck out. He did, and for some strange reason that we never figured out took all of our tampons with him. Like, I lived with four other chicks, that’s A LOT of fucking twat cotton.

Fucking New Hampshire…

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony