Two Arrested Orleans Men “Contaminate Police Cruisers With Bodily Fluids”

contam – ORLEANS — What started as a drunk-driving arrest Wednesday morning turned into an attack after the driver and his passenger allegedly resisted arrest and then “contaminated” police cruisers with bodily fluids, police say.

Around 1 a.m., Orleans police Sgt. William Norton and Officer Thomas Carey stopped Eric Zavalcofsky, 21, of Brewster and suspected he was driving under the influence of alcohol, according to an Orleans Police Department press release.

While being arrested, Zavalcofsky allegedly resisted, according to the statement.

Zavalcofsky’s passenger, 22-year-old Cody Kavanagh of Eastham, allegedly got out of the car and “charged at” Norton and Carey, according to the statement.

After gaining control of the two suspects, Norton and Carey placed them in separate police cruisers, according to the statement.

While en route to the police station, both suspects allegedly contaminated the police cruisers with “bodily fluids,” according to the statement.

Police declined to specify the fluids.

Oh come on Orleans PD you can’t just leave us hanging like this! I’m dying to know what the bodily fluids were. I NEED to know what the bodily fluids were. Don’t the police work for us? Aren’t they bound by one of the commandments of the constitution to tell us these things? Thou shalt make bodily fluids public knowledge or something like that?

As much as I have a burning desire to know if these dudes just pissed themselves or if they took a dump in these cop cars that’s not even the question eating at me the most. What I really need to know is if this was a premeditated conspiracy or not. I mean did these guys plan this somehow during the arrest or send each other some kind of hand signals or something?

If these two had absolutely no knowledge of the others intentions and decided, completely independent of one another, to defecate in the back of separate cruisers completely of their own accord… at the same time? Then I 100% believe in ESP from now on. Whatever that force is that makes one twin feel it when the other gets hurt? That instinct when a mother knows when something has happened to her child? Yeah that shit is real, and these two have it in spades.

All I know is everyone better think twice before they ever mess with two wizards, one second you’ll be face to face with them and the next thing you know you’re lying on the ground with two dumps on your chest. Dudes don’t even have to talk to each other they’ll just instinctively pull a double Cleveland Steamer on you all ninja style.

I don’t know about you but I’m staying the hell out of Orleans, there’s some black magic going on up there.

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