Today In “Ask The Dogfather”

dogfather

mvtimes.com has a feature they call “Stump the Dogfather”. Apparently it’s like Dear Abby for people with dog problems, and it is hilarious on a few different levels.

The first thing we need to get out of the way is how wrong it is for this dude to be calling himself the Dogfather. Let’s get this straight, there is only one Doggfather and the only way to stump him is to pass him a blunt while he already has his hands full of Gin and Juice.

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Now to the article. “Anxious In OB” wrote in this question, it’s real and it’s fantastic.

Dear Dogfather,

My little dog Mona is a loving dog who gets so excited that she jumps up on people coming into the house. Because she is small and unthreatening (she’s a 17-pound Boston Terrier who has given birth to 11 children), people inevitably kneel down to return the greeting. At that point, Mona tries to “kiss” them on the mouth, which delights some people, but often results in them getting nipped a bit. (Mona uses her teeth when she kisses). She has drawn blood a few times. Just a small amount, but still… She also has the ability to jump up and pull a glove off someone’s hand by latching on to a single finger and pulling, which seems like a talent, but is annoying to visitors.

No amount of “Down Mona” works, it seems. After someone is in the house for 20 or so minutes she calms down and starts looking for new people to adore. We’re afraid this will end badly, with a real injury (or a lawsuit.) But we don’t want to change Mona’s personality.

What should we do, Dogfather?

-Anxious in OB

I am not going to publish “The Dogfather’s” full response, it is very long and goes exactly the way you think it would, you can read it here if you are truly interested.

The point is really what “The Dogfather” SHOULD have said in his answer. I am going to take a stab at it for him:

Dear Anxious in OB,

Your dog Mona is very sick, she has a very rare condition that is nearly impossible to treat. She has what is known as BEING A FUCKING DOG. The symptoms of this terrible disease include getting excited to see new people, loving to give kisses and playfully pulling at loose articles of clothing. The only sure remedy for this ugly sickness that Mona has is to give her away to someone who likes and wants a dog, because you clearly do not.

So in short, unless you want to shoot her and have her stuffed, she is going to continue these despicable acts of common dog behavior. I implore you to do something about this monster before she gives birth to 17 more cute, happy, cuddly, playful and kissy bundles of joy. Oh the humanity!

Once you are rid of this terror and recover from your bout with post traumatic cuteness syndrome I suggest you get a cat. Cat’s are pricks so it most likely won’t even give you the time of day. It would be a perfect fit.

– Hippie, The Captain Of Obvious

P.S.

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