Tire “Slasher” Arrested In Harwich Is NOT A Samurai

tire slasher

WEST HARWICH – A Harwich man was arrested Sunday night after allegedly slashing the tires of a vehicle parked in an ex-girlfriend’s driveway. According to a Harwich police release, dispatchers at both the Harwich and Dennis Police Department received calls about a man slashing tires at a Division Street address Sunday.

This story is about a month old, but we have a good reason to bring it up now. The term “slashed tires” has always bugged the shit out of me. Nobody “slashes” tires. The very term conjures up these images of Zorro slashing a Z into the rubber with a broad sword. Unless that guy up there is a samurai there is no way he “slashed” anyone’s tires. The reality is he poked some holes in someone’s tires.

Poking is not just a much more accurate term here, it also conjures up a much more realistic visualization of the act.

“Slashing” someone’s tires is a total pussy move. Dealing with anger by sneaking around and stabbing inanimate objects does not deserve a word as bad ass as “slash”. I propose that from now on when some tool does this we make a note to describe them not as a “tire slasher”, but as a “tire poker”.

“I wouldn’t fuck with that guy, he might poke your tires”. See how well that works? If you say that sentence everyone knows you are talking about a chump. For that added oomph you can add the little poking with a stick motion with your hand and the Beeker frown to really emphasize the sarcasm.

P.S. If I got just one person to actually make the Beeker face and stick poking motion then my day has been worthwhile.

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