Mocean In Mashpee Gets It

I came across this Facebook status from Mocean in Mashpee Commons and had to comment on it.



This is in regards to the big box stores taking Black Friday Thursday to a new level and opening on Thanksgiving Day. The irony is so thick here I almost feel stupid pointing it out. You mean to tell me that we are now supposed to celebrate a holiday designed solely to be thankful for the intangibles money can’t buy like our health and families and feel blessed for all the things we already have in life… by leaving our families on the one day we are all together and rushing out to buy superficial material things we don’t actually need because they are on sale? The irony is thicker than Grandma’s lumpy gravy.

6 0’clock on Thanksgiving is just about the time your drunk uncle starts offending your adopted cousins with anti-immigration diatribes disguised as patriotism. And who wants to miss out on your dumb cousin answering “Washington D.C.” when asked what the capital of Washington State is in a game of Trivial Pursuit?

This is why real Cape Codders should shop at locally owned stores, yeah you might have to wait a whole 24 hours to get those new UGGS your 8 year old daughter NEEDS DESPERATELY, but you are also giving a fellow local family time to wake up Friday morning with an Egg Nog hangover and make a Turkey and mashed potato bagel sandwich for breakfast.

Everybody take it down a notch and let’s give ourselves a night to appreciate the fact that our ancestors had already developed an immunity to small pox so that we could outlast the natives. Be thankful that we lasted long enough to invent Football that we get to enjoy on our flatscreens while lounging around on our sectionals drinking Bud Lights and pretending to care about The Detroit Lions and High School Football.

Screw WalMart, I bet the 6 year olds in China making those $4 camping chairs would give a big toe for just one piece of pumpkin pie.

Check out Mocean HERE and support The Real Cape Cod.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Breaking News! We Have Solved The Mystery Of The Beast Of Truro

midget beast of truro



Since the dawn of man there have been mystery creatures that man has been unable to catch on film or prove their existence in anyway. There is Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, La Chupacabra and of course the infamous Beast Of Truro. In case you don’t know the back story of the Beast here is a little history.

One of the most famous mystery cats in modern Massachusetts history is the “Beast of Truro.” In September 1981, an unidentified predator began killing pets and livestock. First domestic cats were attacked, killed, and mutilated. One eyewitness later was quoted in The New York Times as saying that the killer had a long, ropelike, curved J-shaped tail, and weighed upward of 80 pounds with short ears. Others said the predator looked like a cougar.

A New Yorker visiting Truro in December 1981 reported to town officials that he’d seen a mountain lion. All are names for the same kind of animal, of course. But wildlife officials have said they believe mountain lions to be extinct in the East. In January 1982, a mystery predator, thought to possibly be the Beast of Truro, mauled penned pigs in two incidents. And then the attacks stopped.

Our theory may sound a little far fetched to some, but bear with us as it will make perfect sense in the end. Let’s start of by listing what we know about the Beast:

1. The Beast is small in stature

3. The Beast weighs in at approximately 80 pounds.

2. The Beast is reported to have a long, ropelike, curved J-shaped tail.

4. The Beast has short ears.

5. The Beast feeds on domesticated cats

6. After mauling penned pigs in two separate incidents The Beast has not been heard from again.

Now this may be controversial, but we have a theory on the nature of this beast. Our story starts in a little town called Yarmouth off of Station Ave. Some of you may know of this place, but for those that don’t it is affectionately known as “Midgetville”.

This place is a closely guarded secret and it took painstaking research to uncover the inner workings of this secret society. (meaning a 3 minute Google search). All we could find on this compound was in pictures and we share them here now with you:

continued after the jump click here to keep reading—> (more…)

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Cape Moonshine – Carpetbagging We May Be Able To Get Behind

cape moonshine – Some people like to create their own pottery. Others want to write an original story or song, or grow a new kind of tomato, or build a house like no one’s ever seen before.

Rosanna Petrella came up with Cape Moonshine: her very own extra-distilled, 80-proof, gluten-free, made-from-heirloom-corn liquor.

The original inspiration for creating her own liquor came about because “My son was doing a project for school about George Washington,” Petrella explains. She was surprised to learn that this father of our country also happened to be “one of the largest distillers in the United States.”

That historical factoid led to discussions about America’s Prohibition era and thoughts about a bootlegging legend from her husband Matt’s hometown on Cape Cod. The story, says Petrella, was that rum runners used to land their illegal cargos at the end of a beach road in Hyannis.

It was an interesting combination, one that ultimately resulted in Cape Moonshine.

Normally I’m not a fan of outside companies cashing in on the Cape Cod name to peddle their wares. This one has a few different things going for it though. First off George Washington made moonshine. So yeah, ‘Murrica! Next we find out her husband is a native and that it’s inspired by runners who used to land their cargo on the beaches of Hyannis. Pretty good street cred for a couple from Stepford CT. It still remains to be seen if  they are Red Sox or Yankees fans.

So the other thing Cape Moonshine has going for it is that it is, in fact… MOONSHINE. This is obviously going to earn them great favor with the residents of The Cape where moonshine is revered almost as much as missing traffic on the Bourne Bride at 5 p.m. on an August Friday. I’m putting you on notice Cape Moonshine, you have a ton going for you out of the gates, but only time (and samples) will tell if you gain the backing of the Peninsula.

In conclusion I would like to say to Rosanna Petrella that the obvious move to get street credit for you Moonshine is to kindly ship a bottle to The Real Cape headquarters so some tried and true boozehounds can decide if it is up to par with our highly developed booze pallet.

To visit Cape Moonshine and learn more Click Here


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Things To Do Today In November On The Cape (The Real Cape Style)

square dancing cape cod

So many Cape Cod publications do these daily “Things to do today on Cape Cod” posts that generally include activities that would be quite enjoyable to complete squids and people over 60, so we decided to compose a more realistic guide for the rest of us.

First here are some lovely little suggestions from some other publications:

· Square dancing, 7 p.m. Tuesday, Dennis Senior Center, 1045 Route 134. Followed by round dancing and plus-level square dancing. No experience necessary. $3. 508-237-3057.

· “Fraud and Scams – Beware,” 3 p.m. Tuesday, Craine Room, Snow Library, 67 Main St., Orleans. Sponsored by Orleans Citizens Forum, presented by Detective Lt. Kevin Higgins of Orleans Police Department. FREE!

· Wednesday Walks with Connie Boyce, 3-4 miles, leaves 9 a.m. from Cape Cod Museum of Natural History, 869 Main St. (Route 6A), Brewster. Walk at Pilgrim Springs, Truro. $6. Heavy rain cancels. 508-394-2683.

· Science story time, 11:15 a.m. Wednesday, Brooks Free Library, 739 Main St., Harwich. Preschoolers and young children explore STEM (science, technology, engineering, mathematics) 508-430-7562. FREE!

· Talk by former secret agent Norman Katz on the JFK assassination, 2:30 p.m. Wednesday, EPOCH Assisted Living at Brewster Place, 855 Harwich Road. In recognition of 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s death. 508-896-3252.

While I’m sure all of the above activities would be great fun if you did them Gonzo style with a bottle of whiskey, a head full of acid and a good supply of bath salts, unfortunately acid is hard to come by on a November Wednesday on Cape Cod and our local bath salt dealer is out of business.

So here is a more realistic list of things to do on a November Wednesday on Cape Cod.

1. Start drinking as soon as you wake up. Track down one of your laid off landscaper or restaurant friends to go to the local watering hole with you. Play keno until you are so broke that you have to leave an 8% tip to the bartender. Stumble out of the bar at 3 p.m. and say “holy shit it’s still light out”. Then go home, eat a bowl of cereal and pass out by 5.

2. Couch, sweatpants, hoodie and porn.

3. Work until 4 p.m. and then go straight to the bar for  a quick bite to eat with a co worker. End up chatting with a few kind of cute members of the opposite sex. convince yourself that you are going to get lucky and spend way too much time (and money) there. After four hours of kicking game and playing darts (a binding contract for sex in your drunken mind) they abruptly leave. You and your friend spend another hour in shock talking about how much they wanted you, and frantically scrolling through your contacts and Facebook friends list to keep hope alive.

4. Smoke 8 bowls, go play frisbee golf, do 6 bong rips, go to McDonalds, watch Discovery channel and wake up fully dressed sitting up on your couch at 3 a.m. covered in Gummi Bears.

5. Jail

6. Go out to hear a fairly decent band, have a great time, and meet someone that you are actually compatible with. Bring them back to your place end up passing out half naked on top of them and pissing the bed because you drank 8 gallons of whiskey. Wake up wet and alone at 2:30 a.m. and say fuck it, immediately crack a beer and start scrolling the friend list to see who’s awake.

7. Go to a nice restaurant, eat some delicious food and drink some fancy drinks. Feel all metro, stare at the bill in disbelief, spend half your paycheck and then go to the chinese restaurant for scorpion bowls and apps because you are still starving. As happens in all Chinese restaurants you see the coke dealer you went to high school with and end up cleaning your house and telling your friends how much you love them until 7 a.m.

8. Go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath & Beyond. I don’t know, only if you have time.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Guy Robs Yarmouth Store, Comes Back Two Days Later Like Nothing Happened


BARNSTABLE — A South Yarmouth man who allegedly robbed a convenience store on Old Town House Road on Nov. 4 returned two days later as a paying customer, according to court documents.

Matthew Robert Tierney, 22, of 46 Nautical Lane, was a regular customer at Town House News, according to witness statements.

When a man wearing blue jeans, a hooded blue sweatshirt, a black mask and gloves entered the store at about 11 p.m. and pointed a gun at the cashier she recognized his eyes and voice, according to court documents.

The man took $120 in cash and a pack of cigarettes, according to police.

Police found a silver and gray BB gun wrapped in a Cape Cod Regional Technical High School sweatshirt in a Dumpster near the store, according to the documents.

The man came into the store again Nov. 6 and the owner called police with a license plate number from the car he was in which they tracked down to Tierney, who lives nearby, according to the documents.

During questioning at Yarmouth police headquarters on Friday, Tierney admitted to robbing the store and said he was a heroin addict who needed help, according to the documents.

Another story of Cape crime at it’s finest. I get it bro, you need your heroin and robbing a store seems like a legit way to make a little quick cash. I’m not here to judge, I’m here to give you some advice. If there is a store that you visit so frequently that the clerk can recognize you only by seeing your eyeballs and hearing your voice, maybe that’s not the store to knock over with a bb gun?

How about you take a little road trip a mile down the street and hold up a place that has less than a 300% chance of recognizing you? But I’m not here to berate you, maybe you had your reasons for breaking the #1 rule in life of not shitting where you eat. Maybe you have an excuse for robbing the store you visit daily, but dude, there is just no excuse for coming back two days later for a pack of smokes and whistling Dixie like nothing ever happened.

You are like the guy who gets kicked out of a bar and then takes off his sweatshirt and hat and tries to nonchalantly walk in the back door like nothing happen. Ah yeah we know who you are bro, take a hike.

P.S. While I’m sure it is a great career you may want to think about changing it up because you suck at being a heroin addicted robber.

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Aquinnah Get Federal Approval For Vineyard Casino

vineyard casino

Full Story – The Wampanoag Tribe of Aquinnah today declared it has won federal approval to open a casino on its tribal land on Martha’s Vineyard, introducing a surprising new wrinkle to the state’s unsettled gambling industry.

The tribe pledges to now move ahead with a plan to convert an unfinished tribal community center on the island into a temporary casino, until a permanent facility can be built.

Last week we talked about what the Mashpee Wampanoag Casino will do to our townie wallets. I joked about how we will all be broke every Monday because there is nothing to do on Cape in the off season. Well that was child’s play compared to this Casino that looks like it’s going to happen on The Vineyard (yes that is really a photo of the building).

Let me preface this by saying again that I am all for tribal casinos, the Wampanoag’s deserve every cent they make from these, but holy crap is a casino on the Vineyard an absolute game changer. Year round residents won’t be broke on Monday, they will be for real broke, like Detroit broke.

Imagine being trapped on an island in February with a god damn casino? We think there is nothing to do on the peninsula in the winter, but the islands are an entirely different animal. This will decimate the locals. After this casino opens there will be three distinct classes of people on Martha’s Vineyard:

1. Summer People
2. People Who Don’t Drink
3. Homeless People

That’s it, that’s the list. The day this thing opens the locals who drink alcohol might as well quit their jobs, hand their kids over to DSS, and then drive right over to the casino to drop off the deeds to their houses and the titles to their cars. Why delay the inevitable just get it all done as fast as possible, hit the roulette table and put what’s left on black.

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Add Sneaker Jacking To The List Of Things You Need To Worry About In Hyannis


HYANNIS – A 20-year-old Hyannis man was arrested Monday night after allegedly stealing a pair of Nike LeBron sneakers in a Craigslist deal gone bad.

Conner Tynan allegedly contacted a teen who put the sneakers up for sale on the Internet shopping site and asked him to meet on Denver Street, Barnstable Police Sgt. Michael Riley said.

After the teen’s father drove him to the site, the teen got out and showed the sneakers to Tynan, who allegedly shoved him, grabbed the sneakers and ran, Riley said.

A police K-9 unit tracked Tynan to a house on Hamden Circle, where Tynan was arrested on a charge of unarmed robbery, Riley said.

The sneakers – along with Tynan’s outer garments – were recovered near Connemara Circle, Riley said.

Earlier today we added having your face eaten to the list of things you need to worry about in Hyannis. Now we find out the glory days of selling used sneakers on Craigslist has come to an end as well. Is nothing sacred anymore? In all fairness this dude was kind of asking to get jacked though.

Here are some words of wisdom for the teen and his father that agreed to meet a random person from Craigslist on a random street. You are lucky you were only the victim of an unarmed robbery. Meeting a rando from CL on the street ends up with you in pieces in a dumpster behind a Dunkin’ Donuts 87% of the time. Fact.

P.S. “The sneakers – along with Tynan’s outer garments – were recovered near Connemara Circle” – Wait… what? Are they saying this dude got nekkid after the robbery?

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