Oh College..


My childhood best friend and I went to college together by accident. She was being recruited for soccer and I was honestly just putting stamps on envelopes that my mother had pre-filled with applications. I pretty much decided to go to the first school that accepted me. Turns out my bestie had a similar attitude and off we went to Southern New Hampshire University.

The girl in which my bestie had been matched to cohabitate with, full on decorated the room in Care Bear and Lord of the Rings memorabilia. She also sold kitchen knives. Like, for a living. That would be cool if you were, I dunno, a fucking ninja, but not if you’re knocking on doors pushing shit to house wives.

Luckily, my roommate wasn’t into kitchen weaponry and we got along great. That was until she came home black out one night, fell and hit her head. I got super scared because honestly, we all know that if someone’s college roommate is going to die straight up Lifetime Original Movie style, it’d be mine. So I borrowed someone’s car and brought her to the ER.

Turned out homegirl had a real bad concussion and since she was underage, (and clearly white girl wasted as she was drooling on herself and hitting on the homeless black man next to us who I’m fairly confident had worms living in his foot), the hospital called her parents. Long story short the roommate ended up weird hating me after the hospital incident because I “ruined her life” or some shit – all I know is bitch got mad, I didn’t care and BOOM Glitter Ginger has a single in the nicer dorm across campus.

Surprise Bathroom Guests

I made the idiotic mistake of beginning my college career while in a “really serious” relationship. This meant that I almost never left my room my freshmen or sophomore year unless it was to roll my way to the cafeteria or attend class. And even then I only made it 40% of the time.

Said boyfriend and I broke up midway through my junior year and I was ready to partayyyyy.

I was also the first of my roommates to turn 21 which means I made friends with rando’s and invited myself to the bar. This almost always ended in me getting a ride home from the guy who sold sausages on the street corner or the Papa John’s delivery man. Whatever, it’s basically the same thing as Uber, just with snacks soo fuck off.

So much weird shit happened my junior year, I honestly don’t even know where to begin or what stories to share. One time I made my new roommate, who was a super straight-edge and probably hadn’t even had a sip of alcohol before, take massive bong rips. About 10 minutes later she demanded to be brought to the hospital and took her pants off while shoving white bread in her mouth. I couldn’t be bothered and told her to quit ruining my high. We don’t really talk anymore..

One time, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and found a strange man unconscious on our toilet with all of our butter knives and a jar of peanut butter.

I’m literally not even kidding. I quietly shut the door and went to wake my roommates up to see if perhaps he was a guest or they knew who the rando was on the shitter eating all the peanut butter. They didn’t, so I bravely volunteered to be the one to wake him up and tell him to get the fuck out. He did, and for some strange reason that we never figured out took all of our tampons with him. Like, I lived with four other chicks, that’s A LOT of fucking twat cotton.

Fucking New Hampshire…

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