GG’s Guide to Breaking Down a Cape Guy


I’ve written it before and I’ll write it again; dating someone from the Cape takes patience, understanding and usually a lot of drugs and/or alcohol. The guys here are cut from a different fabric, and that fabric is whatever cargo pants are made of. They’re rough around the edges, always kind of dirty for some reason and don’t give a shit about anything other than drinking beer after a hard days work and sleeping in on their day off.

**before I start getting hate comments and death threats; this post isn’t me talking shit, it’s me telling it like it is – oh and I’m not hating, because I myself prefer a Cape guy over a fancy Boston suit any day. Also.. lesbianhonest, us Cape chicks aren’t all fucking rainbows and butterflies, either.

Anyways – here’s my break down of a Cape guy:

He will most likely never ask you out on a date. If he does, it will happen only after you’ve already hung out or will be an invitation to a group setting. And by “invitation” I mean he’ll just show up where you are. This is something I’ve never really been able to figure out…it’s almost like they work backwards. They don’t actually start wining and dining until you’ve already slept with them. I guess they like to make sure you’re worth the steak tips and night away from the bonfire/ sitting on the couch smoking pot with their boys. I actually can’t say that I blame them. Why waste a night of The Walking Dead for a floozy who doesn’t shut up about her ex boyfriend or how much she loves her cat? Fuck. You guys are smarter than I thought..

He’s never going to take you dancing or to the ballet. But he will teach you how to fish and help you cheat when you suck at beer pong..

You’re never going to see him in a suit and tie. Unless you’re attending a wedding, and even then he’s only putting it on if it’s open bar and/or you promise to pay him in sexual favors. If you ask him to “put something nice on” for some sort of holiday or occasion he’s going to be fucking pissed. You might as well just let him stay home in his boxers because he’s going to ruin your night by pouting in the corner and telling you how much he hates your family..

They aren’t going to show up on your doorstep with flowers or buy you the Louis Vuitton bag you’ve wanted since birth (for reasons outside of the fact that they would rather punch themselves in the dick than willingly spend a mortgage payment on a leather handbag).. but you know what they will do? They will learn what makes you laugh and remember to use it on the days that you’re sad or stressed out to put a smile on your face. They’ll keep a construction logo’d hoodie in the back of their car for the nights they know you’ll bitch about being cold even though you told him to fuck off when he suggested you bring a coat, and they wouldn’t miss a family function for the world regardless of how bat shit your blood line is..

Cape guys don’t compliment you, and if they do it’s few and far between.

To be completely honest, I wouldn’t trade this Cape guy characteristic for anything. Receiving a compliment from a guy in the city is as easy as getting knifed in Hyannis – shit happens on the reg. Getting a Cape guy to say you’re beautiful when you walk into a room or that you’re incredibly smart and fun? That takes some serious fucking work. Which means it’s sincere and worth a hundred times more than Joe Shmoe who offers to buy you a vodka soda in exchange for your digits so he can send you dick pics when he gets home

You want a ring? Average wait time: 5-12 years. Some people get all bent out of shape asking, “WHAT is he waiting for?! They bought a house and a DOG but no diamond!?” slow your roll and take a step back, psycho. Cape guys are on their own time and life plan – you try and rush that mother fucker and he’ll jump ship faster than Hooper gets verbally assaulted by Islanders in Jaws. He’ll get the ring when he’s good and ready..or at least until she gets pregnant and even then it’s still another 3-4 years

So I guess what I’m trying to “break down” is that yes; Cape guys prefer Carhartt over Cartier, will almost never pick up the phone to ask or take you on a fancy first date, nor will they spit game about how beautiful and smart you are on a daily bases. BUT, what they will do, is remind you of what every girl should be so lucky to have as her other half; a hard working, thoughtful and kind hearted man who keeps you grounded, makes you feel beautiful in his t-shirt and sweatpants, always knows how to make you laugh, and hands you a cold Bud heavy while settling into the seat next to you at the bonfire.

soul mates

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

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