Yes, I’m alive. No, I don’t have ebola.

I’m sure you’ve all been dying to know where I’ve been the last few months. And by “dying to know” I mean you probs didn’t even notice and were totally fine not having random status updates and incriminating pictures clog your newsfeed.

But whatever, I’m back, so shove it.

I’ve been super busy traveling the world and working like a freakin’ psycho the past few months. I’ve literally been all over the country then had a nice 8-day stay in Spain followed by Paris and then New York. Which really only validated how much and why I hate that city, outside of like, two places, but more on that later. GOD I have so much to catch you up on..

ANYWAYS, all of these worldly travels led to a lot of alone time, which led to a lot of internal questioning, which led to a lot of important realizations. Mostly that I shouldn’t be allowed alone for long periods of time, but wanted to share these with you nonetheless because they’re funny and also completely useless. And no, I didn’t get ebola..

Side note: nothing makes me hate people more than the act of traveling. Everyone is in the way, no one knows what the fuck they’re doing and the chances that you’ll be sat next to a shitty baby and/or someone who is sick or doesn’t believe in personal hygiene is large. And by large I mean Every.Fucking.Time.

Realizations:

  • Scoring heroin at the dentist while simultaneously sexting the receptionist is easier to do than getting through U.S. customs
  • New England is the only place people walk up and down escalators. Everywhere else in the entire fucking world people just stand. Which I guess makes sense, but like, seriously? Get the fuck out of my way
  • Gingers actually are kind of rare. True story; people literally stopped me in the streets and asked to touch my hair or take pictures of me because they had never seen a girl of my complexion while I was in Spain. Okay, maybe they were just trying to get closer so they could steal my shit easier, which maybe happened, but regardless, they essentially gathered my tears to cure diseases and compared me to royalty
  • Have you ever seen the underneath of a sting ray? Looking down on them, they look like heavenly discs of grey soaring through the sea – but from underneath their stupid little faces honestly scare the bejesus out of me; like they’re now up there with sloths. I lost sleep over this, I’m not even kidding

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  • I have horrible eating habits. I forget to eat for days at a time then consume anything and everything in my path. I had M&Ms, a bagel, a granola bar, 3 coffees and a chicken finger in the last hour. Who does that?! I think I ate more this weekend then I did the entire month of October
  • I think I’m going to to come out with my own sweatshirt line that is brightly colored and has funny sayings on it like “I hate everything” and “pizza before people”
  • I have the best boyfriend in the world. I’m sure every girl says this, but I’m confident mine is better because he sent me a surprise gift card to Burger King in the mail “just for being me”. If you need anymore proof, 1- you’re dumb because the only thing better than fast food gift cards is fast food, but I immediately realized he was in fact my soulmate when I found a Slim Jim he hid on the dashboard of my Jeep

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  •  I love him because he buys me food.

My most important realization from all these travels, however….

…There’s no place like fucking home.

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