Mattel Releases Cape Cod Barbies

Editor’s note: We didn’t really want to post this because it’s hard to figure out where it actually came from and we try to give proper credit for everything we publish. There are a few instances of it on the internet that people customize to fit different parts of the country. This Cape Cod version is pretty accurate and it has been emailed to us by no less than eight thousand people so we figured we should post it. We take no credit for its authorship it is copied and pasted from THIS WEBSITE

Mattell toys recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Cape Cod market:

OSTERVILLE BARBIE

‘OSTERVILLE BARBIE’ This princess Barbie is sold only by appointment. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, an Afghan hound named Honey, and a fashionable ocean-view condo. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. (Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.)


COTUIT BARBIE

‘COTUIT BARBIE’ The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind Star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. (Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.)


HYANNIS BARBIE

‘HYANNIS BARBIE’ This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth-lab kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash.


WEST BARNSTABLE BARBIE

‘WEST BARNSTABLE BARBIE’ This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW converti ble or Hummer H2.Her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership are included. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.


MASHPEE BARBIE

‘MASHPEE BARBIE’ This pale model comes dressed in her own Levi jeans (two sizes too small), a NASCAR jacket, and a Tweetie-bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud Light and an 80’s Hair Metal CD collection. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she’s drunk. (Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.)


CENTERVILLE BARBIE

‘CENTERVILLE BARBIE’ This collagen injected, rhino-plastic Barbie drinks cosmopolitans on the beach with her friends.Ex-husband Ken is optional. (Percocet prescription available, as well as 6-bdrm. house w/water view.)


BOURNE BARBIE

‘BOURNE BARBIE’ This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of her house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. (Also available with a mobile home.)


WOODS HOLE BARBIE

‘WOODS HOLE BARBIE’ This doll is made of real tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup,and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you ca ll her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.


WEST DENNIS BARBIE

‘WEST DENNIS BARBIE’ This Barbie now comes with a stroller and additional infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.


MARSTONS MILLS BARBIE

‘MARSTONS MILLS BARBIE’ She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always playing golf.


P-TOWN BARBIE/KEN

‘P-TOWN BARBIE/KEN‘ This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

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