Let’s Have Real Talk About Piping Plovers

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EAST SANDWICH — Selectmen in Article 12 asked voters to rescind a May 2013 Town Meeting vote that directed $40,000 be taken from $200,000 worth of beach-parking and sticker receipts each year and placed in an account for future public ocean-beach and dune renourishment projects.

Article opponents, however, said no money has been spent on shoreline beaches except to protect piping plovers. They said the Sandwich Boardwalk is in disrepair, the beaches are eroding, dunes are disappearing and the $40,000 flowing in a separate account would – at the very least – represent a stopgap effort “to do something.”

Can I ask a question? Do Piping Plovers eat terrorists and shit diamonds or something? How did these little bastards become more important to humans than beach erosion and boardwalk disrepair? And more importantly why do I have to walk 3 miles out of my way to get around their roped off VIP section at the beach. Can’t these Plovers Pipe somewhere else?

Do you know how many species became extinct while you slept last night? 30. So where is their VIP section? Why are Piping Plovers so important? I know, I know, they are tiny and cute and we love everything that is tiny and cute. Babies, puppies, midgets, nobody wants to see something small and cuddly die, but you don’t see the midgets asking for roped off areas of beach. We don’t rope off sections of Hyannis for the bums so people don’t disturb their nests.

You might not say it in public, but deep down you agree with this, you know you do. These fuckers have been protected for years now and they still can’t cut it in the wild. It’s time to let go folks, the world is moving forward and if the Piping Plovers can’t keep up then it’s time to cut our losses and go back to having a direct route from our chairs to the snack bar. We did what we could, but it’s a cruel world out there. If they die… they die.

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