*my facial expression when dude guy asked if I was excited
I should have known the crazy shit I was getting myself into by joining The Real Cape Family the moment I agreed to meet a bunch of drunk dudes in a random side room of The Beach House restaurant in order to ‘talk business’. My most recent “what the fuck am I doing?” moment these gentleman encouraged me to do, was skydiving. Oh, we need some new material? Let’s push the ginger out of a plane, that’ll DEF get some hits. [insert all ‘gingers don’t have souls’ jokes here].
As encouraging as all my TRC brothers were, none of them were willing to partake in my latest crazy idea (vagina’s) – so naturally I asked my Nintendo-No-Friendo (NNF) to come with. Seeing as how he’s a complete and total pyscho, he signed his ‘accidental death’ waiver faster than he guzzles Bud heavy’s. *author’s note – I’m currently not speaking to No-Friendo, partly because he let me jump out of a fucking plane but mostly for other reasons, however this story would not be the same without including him in it so you lucked out, bro.
Anyways, naturally within the first 20 minutes of our happy little day I got us lost because I forgot the address to the airfield. Then we randomly hung out in the wrong airline hanger for like, 15 minutes, while NNF taught me “Jenny Lessons.” “Jenny Lessons” are when NNF makes me sit and listen as he explains random shit that I clearly have no use for like how to kill someone with a pen and the difference between the magnetic north and the true north. *another authors note: I actually found the whole magnetic north/true north lesson very interesting – that has nothing to do with anything relating to this post. Unless one of my readers is a pilot in which case teach me more, I’m single.
I was well into a lesson when some rando came bombing around the corner in a golf cart telling us we were in the wrong place and to kindly get the fuck out and stop touching his shit.
Back in the jeep we piled, up a sketchy ass dirt road to a trailer filled with shirtless men and dirt bikes – Momma’s home.
From here we watched a safety video and were told 9,321,308 times how serious we needed to take the landing portion and how dangerous and easy getting injured was. THIS is what I was most afraid of. I was extremely nervous about sliding upon impact and dislocating my hip again. That and the fact that I can’t even walk and chew gum at the same time and this man expects me to have the coordination ability required to land gracefully from a 15,000 foot fall?
Excuse me, sir, but I can’t even do a cartwheel without kicking myself in the back of the head. I mean, you’re talking to the girl who literally almost died making a grilled cheese sandwich last year (Cuisinart Panini Press: 1, GG: 0), but nothing was holding me back. NNF could tell I was getting nervous because I was pacing and extremely silent. I’m never silent. You think he’d be thankful and relish in the rare occasion but no, he instead insisted on talking to me about dragons and some bullshit about Brazil, I think, I don’t know I can’t be sure because I was honestly just trying to focus on not throwing up.
NNF and I had previously discussed that I should be the first one to jump, because he was worried I wouldn’t go if I saw him first. He was fucking right. Unfortunately, the way the sketchy ass plane worked, him and his instructor needed to be in the front of the plane in order to balance the weight, so I had to jump after him. Once again, I tried to focus on not throwing up.
So there we stood, suited up in our harnesses, waiting for our turn – there was a couple jumping before us. It was at this moment I decided to take a picture just in case we didn’t make it and realized that we looked like fucking reprobate hipsters. I mean, I typically always wear something shark related but really with the Aruba shirt, NNF?
Then I spotted the couple who had just gone up, parachuting down towards us – they got closer and closer and looked like they were coming to the ground WAY too fast. I covered my mouth and held onto NNF because I was confident we were about to see two people splatter like insects. The girl landed like a fucking champ but the guy slid on his ass and tripped up the instructor. Great. That’s going to be me; rolling around on the ground with a dislocated hip and two broken legs in T-minus 5.
NNF talked me back into sanity and reassured me that I would be fine..into the plane we piled and up we went on our 15,000 foot journey above Cape Cod and the Islands…..
*The look on my face the moment I climbed into my metal tomb..I mean airplane..perfectly captures my level of excitement
…stay tuned to find out how my landing went and whether or not NNF jumped willingly or if I pushed him.Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony
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