GG’s Guide to Breaking Down a Cape Girl

So I dug deep and gave everyone insight into the complex creature that is a Cape Guy..but what about us Cape girls!? As explained in GG’s Guide to Breaking Down a Cape Guy, we’re not all rainbows and butterflies, but I think we’re pretty fucking awesome. We’re also extremely odd and completely bat shit.

For starters, on most nights, regardless of time or venue, you can never really tell if we’ve just come off the boat, rolled out of bed or are about to head to the beach. But for some weird reason, we pull it off better than Baby Spice brought back pig tails.

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not grubby or anything, it’s just that we mostly likely really did just come off the boat or from the beach and we learned at a very young age that the only makeup you need is a tan. We were taught how to carry a conversation and light up a room with our personality. Also, we don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of us because 9 times out of 10, anyone worth talking to we grew up with and already thinks of us as their sister. And in the off chance you meet someone new that’s worth talking to, he’s not going to care that you’re wearing jean shorts and a t-shirt instead of a skin tight mini dress and heels with a face full of makeup. In fact, you’d probably get punched in the throat if you wore a mini dress and heels anywhere on Cape Cod. Ever.

We’ll do anything for anyone. I learned that this sometimes scares guys off in the beginning of a relationship, because they don’t understand that we most likely spent our young adult lives helping our friends raise their children or babysitting for extra cash. We’re so used to taking care of everyone else that it seems wrong not to. Soo to the guy that gets “weirded out” that a Cape girl always remembers to have your favorite snacks on hand or texts you a “hope you have a nice day!”: die. Or date someone from, I dunno, Woburn – those bitches would slash your tires before they’d make you a home cooked meal.

We’re incredibly sweet and friendly but won’t hesitate to knock someone out if they disrespect those we love. On a normal day I’m refined, professional and painfully polite. I’ve literally had people ask me to stop saying “thank you”. But I hear you speak badly about a family member or get loud with one of my girlfriends? Hide yo kids and hide yo wife ’cause the Glitter Ginger is about to go buck wild on your ass. I am by no means tough, in fact most of us aren’t, but I refuse to sit back and watch you speak to someone I love with anything but respect. **Shout out to my paralegal 

Which brings me to my next point; we’re the most feminine tomboy’s you’ll ever meet. We demand to be treated like a lady but can go beer for beer, bait a hook and kick your ass in wiffle ball. We’re the girls that you call when you want to hang out and have effortless fun. We don’t care if you fart or burp in our presence as long as it’s not on us and hate being doted on. But you better open my damn door and at least attempt to leave the room or aim in the other direction when passing gas. That’s just plain respect, brotha. Which transitions to..

..A Cape Girl will literally give anybody a shot. This is a characteristic that none of my city friends understand. It’s not that they’re snobby or judgmental, it’s just that I guess they have a hard time seeing past the dirt, minor criminal record and potentially negative bank account balance when it comes to dating men. I’ve dated everything from carpenters to business professionals to mechanical engineers to landscapers and the straight up unemployed – anyone who makes me laugh and holds the door for me deserves a shot.

Every time I come home I’m reminded by the people around me that money isn’t everything and first impressions aren’t always what they seem. Chances are, the dirty guy at the end of the bar drinking a beer by himself most likely just got off his 12th day in a row of making someone’s house a home and building/creating things that I couldn’t even fathom. That, or he’s a heroin addict that will probs hit on you, call you a stuck up bitch when you ignore his passes and follow you home, but whatever. If he makes you laugh look past the track marks.

I’m kidding. Unless he’s good looking then at least let him buy you a beer before you call the Cops or tell your brother to save you.

So in closing, what I’m trying to say, is that you’re pretty damn lucky if you have a Cape Girl in your life. Whether she’s your girlfriend, wife, friend or just an acquaintance – I can guarantee she’ll always make you laugh, drop everything to be at your side in a moment of need and will always be in your corner. She’ll build you up when you’re down and make you feel like the most important and valued man in the world – all while looking adorable in your sweatpants, a pony tail, crushing a beer and laughing so hard that you forget why you were upset in the first place.

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