Frank Anthony Reviews Whole Foods In Hyannis – A.K.A. MILF City

Editor’s note: This came to us a while back and somehow never saw the light of day. Not sure why, Frank is hilarious. We’ve tried to get him on board as a regular contributor, but he’s kind of a prick, which you’d think would be a plus around here, not a deterrent. 

Unlike a lot of people around here, I had never traveled off-Cape to see what Whole Foods was all about. I assumed it was just somewhere I could go to pay $6 extra per pound for chicken so I could be guaranteed it had been coddled its whole life until its head was cut off with a golden axe. Now that it has been a while and the initial phase of it being packed like a gym in January has died down, I decided to see what it was all about.

I was not so much shocked by the fact that a tablespoon of almonds was $7.99 because that reputation had preceded it. What I was amazed by was the plethora of attractive females. I mean, let’s be serious. It’s on 132 and you are bound to get some hefty lost K-Mart shoppers, but for the most part, it was MILF city.

I wasn’t the only one who realized this either. Normally, a man will go shopping for one meal at a time, if he even gets that far, before just ordering a pizza. But these men had carts full of all types of food I had never heard of. They knew what it had taken me less than 15 minutes to figure out; Whole Foods is the best place on the Cape to pick up women.

I’m not saying you can’t go hang out on Main Street at 1 a.m. and find a girl with a broken heel and some vomit in her hair and convince her you’re Mark Wahlberg’s cousin. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. These women are not hammered drunk, they clearly have the income to be paying way too much for asparagus, and have some respect for the food that goes into their body.

This is an older crowd, so there is one main thing you need to look out for: Married women. Although the temptation is there, these woman are not getting the money from just anywhere and the last thing you wanna do is try pick up a cop’s wife, no matter how easy Whole Foods makes it. No problem, though! You can always easily see a wedding ring when a women is pushing a cart. So take a gander at the ring finger and if it’s clear, then good. If not, keep it moving to the organic toiletries isle.

Normally, women with these characteristics are the uptight pretentious women who would not give guys like me a shot in a bar. In fact, when I get close, they usually hand me their empty glasses thinking that I’m the bus boy. In Whole Foods, though, I’m just another guy who prefers tuna that’s not from a can.

Breaking the ice is simple. Ask them a question like “excuse me, do you know how to tell if an avocado is ripe?” You will actually sound genuine because (if you are a man) you do not know the answer. As long as you have some manners and a hint of charm, you can work the conversation from there. If not, go the next day and try again. The beauty of Whole Foods is that nobody ever shops there two days in a row.