Another Stupid List Of “Signs You Spent Summers On The Cape” (Don’t Worry We Fixed It Real Cape Style)

Buzzfeed recently posted a list of “24 Signs You Spent Summers On Cape Cod” and it is obvious that the author wouldn’t know a cranberry from a dingleberry. So we decided to update it to “24 Signs You Spend Winters On Cape Cod” Real Cape style.

We will take this number by number first showing their ridiculous signs some squid spent a summer here and countering with our signs of having spent winters on The Cape.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

1. You’ve had family arguments about which bridge to take.

1

The Real Cape:

1. You’ve had family arguments about which bridge you’re gonna throw your brother or sister off.

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

2. Who needs Google Maps, when you can use your own arm as a map of the Cape?

2

The Real Cape:

2. Who needs Google Maps? We have GPS this isn’t Siberia.

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

3. When you first get to the beach, you can’t help doing this.

 

The Real Cape:

3. When you first get to the beach, you can’t help doing this.

 

Shotgun
And then throw your empty can at that ass hat above.

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

4. You understand the concept of low tide on a visceral level.

4

The Real Cape:

4. You understand the concept of low tide on a fragrant level because it smells like shit.

low tide

 

Buzzfeed’s nonsense:

5. When photographers talk about that magic Cape Cod light, you feel like they have a direct line to your soul.

5

 

The Real Cape:

5. When you see that magic Cape Cod light, you feel like maybe it’s time to stop drinking and go to bed.

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

6. Cape Cod Potato Chips somehow taste even better in their natural habitat.

6

 

The Real Cape:

6. Cape Cod Potato Chips are best smushed up into a Tuna or Chicken Salad sandwich on potato bread.

 

Buzzfeed nonsene:

7. You’ve seen actual cranberries in the wild.

7

 

The Real Cape:

7. You’ve chased a hockey puck a half mile down a frozen Bog because you were the one who shot it through the goal made of two sneakers.

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

8. You’ve learned all the unwritten rules of mini golf.

8

 

The Real Cape:

8. You’ve drunkenly Happy Gilmore’d a ball off a rock and hit a fat New Yorker right in the fanny pack playing mini golf.

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

9. You feel sorry for anyone who has never experienced fried clams.

9

 

The Real Cape:

9. You feel sorry for any sucker who has ever paid $28 for fried clams shipped in frozen from Florida at a tourist trap with “Shack” in its name.

P.S. No you don’t

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

10. You don’t think summer is complete if you don’t break out the lobster bib.

10

The Real Cape:

10. You don’t need a bib because you aren’t 3 and you crack your lobster with channel lock pliers.

LobsterCrack

 

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

11. You’ve had a meaningful friendship with a hermit crab.

11

The Real Cape:

11. You’ve had a meaningless winter relationship with a sea hag that left you with crabs.

crabs

 

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

12. You’re pretty sure there’s a law that you must go swimming at least once a day.

12

 

The Real Cape:

12. Laws only apply to tourists “Screw you, I’m from here”.

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

13. You know that Provincetown was embracing same sex marriage since before it was cool.

13

 

The Real Cape:

13. You drove to P-Town to buy your first metal weed pipe at Shop Therapy.

weedpipe

 

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

14. When you go whale watching, there will be whales.

14

 

14. When you go whale watching you are 9, and you never go again.

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

15. You can tell people you’ve biked the most beautiful bike path on earth.

15

 

The Real Cape:

15. You’ve stumbled home drunk on the most beautiful bike path on earth.

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

16. You have a very positive association with the word “shingles.”

16

 

The Real Cape:

16. You’ve laughed at tourists who bought pink “Cape Cod” sweatshirts for $60 in that building while they were waiting for the Ferry.

cape sweat

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

17. You got to see all the best players in the majors when they were still in college…

 

The Real Cape:

17. You’ve lied to a girl at a bar by telling her you play left field for Cotuit and that you were drafted by the Pirates in the 3rd round of the MLB draft.

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

18. This is what you think bowling is.

bowling

The Real Cape:

18. This is what you think bowling is.

bowl

 

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

19. You’re grateful that drive-in movies are still a thing.

drive in

 

The Real Cape:

19. There’s one, and it’s in Wellfleet, it’s far from “a thing”.

 

Buzzfeed nonsense:

20. You can understand why someone might feel compelled to do this:

tat

 

The Real Cape:

20. Suck on this Buzzfeed:

cape tat5

 

 

Ok I know I said there were 24 but we are stopping at 20, mostly because we are lazy but also because the rest of them are so idiotic we would rather not subject you to them.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Rare ‘Vicious’ Fisher Cat Found In Mashpee – Hide Ya Kids, Hide Ya Pugs!

fisher2

fisher
Photos via Mashpee Police Department

CapeNews.netGeoff Spillane – A rare fisher was found dead in Mashpee on Wednesday.

Commonly referred to as a “fisher cat,” the animal is known for its sharp fang-like teeth, unsheathed claws, and vicious demeanor.

Mashpee Police Lieutenant John Santangelo said that he has never seen a fisher—dead or alive—in Mashpee during his 25 years on the force.

The animal was found on Palmer Road, not far from the Quashnet and Kenneth C. Coombs schools.

Deborah R. Millman, director of the Cape Wildlife Center in Barnstable, said that fishers have established a population on the Cape, but there are not many here. She advises residents to keep small animals and cats indoors.

Well, this pretty much ends the small dog/big dog argument for anyone around here right? I don’t care how much you love your friends Shih Tzu, if you are in the market for a puppy on Cape Cod you just have to go big at this point.

Last night I turned on the outside light by my back door and I saw a coyote setting plates on a picnic table while a bobcat opened a bottle of wine and a fisher cat basted some type of small roast. Now I can’t say for sure what they had for a main course, but let’s just say there was a small pile of Hot Diggity dog collars in a pile by a tree.

What I’m trying to say here is that while Beagles and Yorkie’s may be cute, they are also like butterball turkeys to our current array of Cape Cod wildlife. So unless you are looking to spend hundreds of dollars on a Thanksgiving dinner for a fisher cat, I suggest you stick with something at least the size of a Labrador. At least that way you won’t have to explain The Pilgrims AND death to your 5 year old on the same day.

P.S. Those have to be contacts right? Monsters don’t have eyes like the deep blue Caribbean Sea.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

The Most Annoying Question if you Grew up on Cape Cod..

Whether you went away to college, are on vacation or just strike up a conversation with a person who isn’t from the area..whenever someone asks where you’re from and you respond with “Cape Cod”, they almost always have an idiotic answer. It usually falls somewhere between “like..you grew up there? Like even went to school there and stuff?” or “no, I mean like where you’re from..like originally, not where you summered”. But hands down, the question I always for some reason get incredibly annoyed with is,

What the hell did you do in the winter?

You mean outside of making babies and/or forming drug problems? Or things outside of celebrating the fact that there’s no more traffic, not having to wait in line for a beer or pay a cover to get into a bar that normally offers us money to go there in the winter?

We do this.

But seriously, we do the same shit we do in the summer, just in more layers. I did all kinds of great things in the winter on Cape Cod. For starters, we spend just as much time on the beach, it just happens to be in sweatshirts around a fire and usually illegally because you can’t drink or have fires on public beaches. Actually, we do that in the summer too but in the winter we have to seek out private establishments that were only inhibited in the summer so we could get a solid 3-4 hours of drinking in before the Cops came. Here’s a picture of Hippie and Insane Tony getting ready for a bonfire party this past winter:

snowbears

If there wasn’t a bonfire to attend at a random private beach behind a rich persons home, then we of course got in our cars and *P-5’d around town. P-5ing was one of my favorite things to do because I had a Chevy Blazer with a pretty decent system (and by ‘decent system’ I mean a hatch back that I would 100% drive with open and a tape player) that I would bump to the sounds of my sweet mix tape containing the hottest tracks from Ice Cube and Britney Spears.

*If you don’t know what a P-5 is, then you’re clearly not from Cape Cod, which means you probs won’t find any of this relevant, but I’m okay with sharing the wealth that is Cape Cod Winter Knowledge. A Portuguese-500, or P-5 as we call it, is when you get in your car and drive in some sort of circle with no other purpose other than to see who else is driving around said circle. I’m from Falmouth, so our P-5 typically consisted of starting somewhere around the Christmas Tree Shop/Dairy Queen area, continuing uptown to see if the fast and the furious were at Dunkin Donuts (even though you would never stop, ew, you just wanted to see) driving down main street, around the village green, back down main street, and then..well, you’re done I guess. Sometimes I’d take a detour down to the Harbor until I almost got arrested once and then I only went there at night with summer hockey kids. Wooops. Also – some people thought a real P-5 was starting on Hyannis Main St and going all the way to Falmouth Village Green but seriously, who has time for that? That’s like a P-5,000.

No word of a lie I met a kid once whose response when I said I grew up on Cape Cod was, “I heard you guys drive around in circles for fun in the winter.” Say it like it’s a bad thing but I had a fucking blast waving at people and bumping my sweet jams while housing my Dairy Queen cone. Dick.

Football games were always a huge thing in High School. Not so much attending the games to watch, but meeting up at an after party at someone’s parents house or Friendly’s to not buy anything but rather see how long it takes you to get kicked out when you order 1 milkshake for a table of 7 because you were too poor to buy anything else. It’s fucking winter, we didn’t work, and why the fuck are fribbles so expensive? Anyways..

All of this might sound boring for some of you city folk, but one thing I feel as though you get as a result of a Cape Cod upbringing is the most grounded, real and best group of friends anyone can have. Sure, there were different “groups” in high school but we all came together at some point in our childhood or adult life because there wasn’t anything else to fucking do! You might have rolled in different circles but that shit went out the window when the party started and the beers started flowing. You spend years in school with the same people and know their stories whether you want to or not. I have met some amazing people I’m proud to call my friends but none like my Cape friends.

They’re the ones you spent all day, every day with when there was nothing to do but steal shit from Cherry and Webb or freeze your ass off around a bonfire at Trunk River. They’ll eat bologna sandwiches for lunch instead of waiting in line at the food shack at the beach because they know you’d rather spend the $8.50 on two beers that night. They always have a beach chair in their trunk and would rather die than wear heels out on Cape Cod. They’re your best friends, they’re home.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Real Cape Cod Geography: A Letter To Wareham, Plymouth Etc.

Dear Wareham, Plymouth etc.,

This letter was inspired by this sticker. Whoever made this should be bound, gagged and sent via UPS as far from The Cape as possible, never to return.

cape sticker2

 

This is an absolute travesty.

Here it is, this is the absolute concrete final word on what is Cape Cod and what is not:

cape map

 

End of argument and we don’t want to hear another word about it.

Signed,

Real Cape Codders

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Cape Cod Gets Grant To Help Cut Down On Underage Drinking, Unless Of Course You Grew Up Here

jonahcasey
BARNSTABLE — Barnstable has received a state grant of nearly $10,000 to help cut down on underage drinking. The grant, awarded by the Massachusetts Executive Office of Public Safety, specifically targets summer visitors who are underage, but may nevertheless attempt to purchase alcohol at bars or liquor stores while vacationing in Barnstable.

Of course this grant “specifically targets summer visitors who are underage”. That’s because there is no way you could possibly stop kids that actually grow up on Cape Cod from drinking when they are underage.

Underage drinking on Cape Cod is an institution, it’s like football in Texas or hockey in Canada. It’s a way of life for kids here.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing either. Cape Cod kids get to college and they can already handle their booze. Freshmen kids from other Mass. towns are blacking out and getting dicks drawn on their forehead every night because they’ve drank twice in their life. Meanwhile, Freshmen from The Cape are finishing those assholes 30 packs, banging their girlfriends, getting breakfast and then going to class. No big deal, been doing it for years already.

So I guess Cape Cod is so famous that when they try to stop underage drinking, they only target people who didn’t grow up here. They don’t even try to stop us anymore.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Barnstable Is The Sixth Happiest And Healthiest City In The U.S. (And We Figured Out Why)

Peas and Carrots
Peas and Carrots

Residents in Barnstable are among the happiest and healthiest in America, according to a Business Insider analysis of Gallup’s annual well being index. Barnstable landed in the sixth spot this year, and I think we know why.

Let’s look at another article about Red Raiderville shall we…

Barnstable among America’s ten booziest towns

The U.S. Census Bureau says there are 19,355 “incorporated places” in the United States.  That makes it hard for any of the relatively small towns on Cape Cod to make any “top ten”  list. But Barnstable just made the list for being the one of the “Ten Booziest Cities in America” according to a U.S. News and World report.

We’ve also learned from recent posts here at The Real Cape that there is an average of 20K worth of cocaine and heroin in Barnstable hotels at any given time. We know from this article that there is plenty of weed to be had. You can even buy Bath Salts at convenience stores.

Who in their right mind wouldn’t be happy in a place like that? It’s a virtual paradise of  booze and drugs. Throw in a Wendy’s that’s open until 1 a.m. and you have an absolute Utopia! Barnstable just won The Cape.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Honda Civic Hits And Kills Two Cows On 6A In Sandwich – Wait, What?

cows

Boston.com – Two cows were hit by a car and killed on Route 6A in Sandwich late Thursday night, police said.

A Honda Civic was traveling eastbound near the Hammond Road intersection at about 8:10 p.m., when it hit the two cows. They were dark-colored and difficult to see in Thursday night’s storm, police said.

The Honda Civic suffered severe front end, hood, windshield, and hood damage, police said.

The two cows were found dead by officers arriving at the scene. Massachusetts Department of Transportation workers removed the animals, and returned them to their owner on a farm nearby, police said.

Like we don’t have enough shit to worry about around here, now we have to worry about dodging cows in the street? NStar is poisoning us, drones are watching us shower, windmills give us vertigo, and now cows are running up the deductibles on our Honda Civics?

This poor lady must just be in absolute shock right now. I have probably driven two million miles of Cape Cod roads and not once, not one single time in my life, has the thought ever entered my mind that there was any chance whatsoever that I might hit a fucking cow. This lady hit two cows. TWO COWS!

Talk about being on the wrong side of blind luck. Times like this make me wish I was the Cape Cod Oprah. This lady would have a new car and that farmer would get his cattle replaced faster than you can say Centerville Pie Company.

I propose we institute a new law, we will call it the “You hit it, you keep it” a.k.a. the “one in a million” law. It’s like winning a meat raffle at the Elks Lodge. If you beat the odds and actually kill two cows in a Honda Civic on Cape Cod the least you should get is a couple of Tenderloins and a Porterhouse out of the deal right?

P.S. If someone told me before today that I would use that headline during my career as a writer for The Real Cape I would have told them there was a better chance of Insane Tony thinking a rational thought.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony