Careers: You Should Probably Have One

I’m not very good at most things. In fact, I’m not really good at anything. Not unless you consider Lifetime movie knowledge, shopping or matching your headband to your shoes a talent. But anyways, for some strange reason I’m surprisingly successful when it comes to my professional life/ career.

Not that anyone actually knows what I do for a living. I once overheard my Mother telling her friends that I worked for QVC. As in the home shopping network. At that time, I was marketing contact validation software to the state, federal and local government, but sure, Ma.. tell your friends I sell Shamwow’s.

I worked really hard to get where I am right now. I graduated summa cum laude with a bachelor’s in marketing then continued on to get my global masters in business administration with a minor in statistics, in just under 7 months.

I think it’s really funny that I’m successful. I’m not only responsible for a lot of really important decisions at my company but I’m responsible for growing peoples careers and helping them get where they’re trying to professionally. Mostly I’m just sitting there like:

Then someone comes to me for career advice and to ask how I got where I am and why I work so hard..and I’m all like you guys, I’ve really grown up.

I think everyone should have a career that they’re proud of and that makes them happy. What that career is doesn’t matter. If I could, I would absolutely make a career out of drinking wine and telling jokes. Wait, that’s pretty much what Chelsea Handler did. But with vodka. Why can’t I be like Chelsea Handlerrrrr

Everyone thinks I’m super smart because I have all of these fancy degrees.

Actually, I’m a fucking idiot because I could feed all of the poor starving African kids from those commercials with what I pay a month in school loans. I could literally own a small compound in South Africa where I could go great white cage diving daily. Writing that check every month is like an ax to the face that is my bank account.

My girlfriends think my life is sooo fabulous because I get to live in a quiet, nice apartment by myself, travel to all these great places and answer to no one. Actually…they’re right. That part is legit.

My parents have no ties to the business world, therefore have no comprehension as to what it is I do for a living or what I went to school for. They know I’m book smart but have zero faith in my surviving on my own as a human being. My mom called me last week to see if I had remembered to put gas in my car, if I knew the pin number to my debit card and to let me know there was a sale at Stop & Shop on Lean Cuisines.

Obviously I stocked up on Lean Cuisines.

Then remembered that I don’t have a microwave.

My sisters think I’m rich because I have no one to take care of but myself and am part of “Corporate America”.

In actuality..after school loans, rent and my car payment I pretty much only have enough money left over for the good cable package and wine. And pickles/olives on a GOOD week. I’m totally fine with it though, because everyone keeps telling me that one day all of my hard work and degrees will pay off.

Fuck yeah they will.

 

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