The Cape Cod TImes Listed Their Top Easter Candies – Naturally We Fixed It Real Cape Style recently released their top ten Easter candies. It’s cool and all, but this is a site for adults so we thought we would fix it up Real Cape style. Their list consisted of 10, but whoever compiled it really mailed it in and used some repeats. So we broke it down to five. Without further ado here is the Cape Cod Times list with each number followed by The Real Cape version:

1. CCT – Solid chocolate bunnies – Yeah thanks but I’m still working on the one I got last year, do people actually finish these monstrosities?


1. The Real Cape – Kahlua Mudslides – You just got put in a room full of family members all talking over each other, you might want to start with something chocolaty to get in the Easter spirit, but why not take the edge off and kill two birds with one stone?

kahlua mudslides

2. CCT – Jelly Beans – Hey look now you have a pile of cavities waiting to happen that will get stuck in your teeth AND make your gums turn into sandpaper!

jelly beans

2. The Real Cape – Jell-O Shots – The family is starting to ask you questions about what you are doing with your life, time to ramp up the alcohol content while staying in the parameters of cute festivity type booze.


3. CCT – Peeps – Why the hell did I just run thirty laps around the house with my niece? Oh yeah… crack.


3. The Real Cape – Adderall – Not as strong as crack, but at least now you’ll be able to pay attention to the hour long story your Aunt is telling you about how her best friends baby in laws sisters cousin got into Brown and is probably going to be way more successful than you are.


4. CCT – Cadbury Creme Eggs – See below.


4. The Real Cape – Cadbury Creme Eggs – When you’re right you’re right Cape Cod Times, it just isn’t Easter without having at least one of these high fructose corn syrup bombs exploding in your mouth and remembering why you only eat them once a year.


5. CCT- Cadbury Mini Eggs – Hey cool, I just broke my tooth biting into one of these and now the hole is filled with the mushy chocolate from inside, I hope my brother in law has a pressure washer in his garage to clean that out.


5. The Real Cape – Ambien – When you are little drunk, but wired from the Adderall and candy feeling like an empty shell of a person? Ambien is literally the answer to all your prayers. It’s like you are flying in circles at 10,000 feet all day and Ambien is the landing gear. Goodnight!


So there you have it. Go ahead and tell me the Cape Cod Times Easter basket is going to be more fun than The Real Cape Easter basket, and then I will go ahead and call you a stone face liar.

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