Average Person Lives Longer In Hyannis Than National Average According To Dumbest Article Of All Time

lifespan

Patch.com – Barnstable and Hyannis residents live longer than the average American.

The average life expectancy in the Massachusetts 9th Congressional District, which includes Barnstable and Hyannis, is 80.2 years, according to a new study. The national average is 79.1.

The statistics are based on the Geographies of Opportunity study by the Social Science Research Council.

What does this mean!? Has Ponce de Leon’s search for the fountain of youth finally come to an end? Did Wilford Brimley weave a cocoon around Hy-Town? Ummm… no, it just means that Patch is the stupidest website on earth.

You know where else people live longer than the national average? 49.9 percent of the places in the country. In a striking coincidence, 49.9 percent of the places in the country have a shorter life expectancy than average. Also 38% of statistics mislead 76% of the people 90% of the time.

This is the most useless waste of space in the history of the internet, and that is coming from someone who writes wastes of space on the internet for a living. I thought I was the laziest writer on earth until I came across this 100% meaningless article. Enough hyperbole you say? There’s no way it’s the MOST lazy writing in history right?

Take a look at this screenshot of the other articles this dude has written…

life expectancy

They took the time to replace one whole word in those articles! Thanks Patch, we are all officially dumber for having read anything on your website. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go start my 14 part series about how half the people on earth are taller than the other half of the people on earth.

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