By Geoff Spillane

HYANNIS —The Chick-fil-A fast food restaurant chain has received approval from the Cape Cod Commission to open its fourth stand-alone Massachusetts location in Hyannis.

The 5,219-square-foot restaurant with a drive-through window will be located at the intersection of Enterprise Road and Iyannough Road (Route 132), on a leased 1.74-acre parcel previously designated as overflow parking for the Cape Cod Mall.

The regional regulatory agency issued a certificate to Chick-fil-A last week, signed by Paul Niedzwiecki, executive director of the Commission, confirming that the project complies with the Barnstable County Regional Policy Plan.

The privilege of selling its signature chicken sandwiches, waffle fries and salads on Cape Cod will carry an added price tag for the chain, over and above construction and operational costs.

Chick-fil-A will be required to pay $25,886 to the Town of Barnstable Affordable Housing Growth Development Trust Fund, as well as $258,000 in traffic mitigation costs, according to terms outlined in a transportation improvement program attached to the certificate.

Chick-fil-A has already received approval from the town of Barnstable Zoning Board of Appeals, is fully permitted from a zoning perspective and is expected to receive its building permit soon, according to Elizabeth Jenkins, principal planner for the town of Barnstable.

Chick-fil-A is known almost as much for its conservative Christian beliefs and politics as it is for chicken sandwiches.

The restaurant chain was boycotted in 2012 for the anti-same-sex marriage sentiments of its president and the millions in donations the company made to anti-gay organizations.The controversy prompted the late Boston Mayor Thomas Menino to tell the chain that it was not welcome in the city.

“To glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us and to have a positive influence on all who come into contact with Chick-fil-A,” is the chain’s corporate purpose as stated on its website.

So if you pay a few hundred thousand bucks, you get approval, and screw the gays huh? That’s the way we’re doing things here on the Cape now? Seems fair to local small businesses. Even Mumbles Menino had the balls to stand up to Chick Fil A and he probably thought it was a gas station that only hot girls work at. Well, at least the Cape Cod gays know their exact dollar value now, maybe we should start a Gay Fund Me account and see if we can raise more than the $258,000 to keep Chick Fil A off the Cape.

You have to wonder how far this paying cash for permits method the Cape Cod Commission has adopted will go? If Hitler’s Lampshade Emporium gives Yarmouth a few hundred thousand bucks will they be allowed to open as well? Maybe we could launch a Kony’s Kids Child Development School in Chatham. How far on the wrong side of history does something have to be to get rejected? If we just do away with morals altogether we could be as rich as Dubai and pave Rte. 6 with solid gold.

What you really have to love though, is the “corporate purpose” statement on Chick Fil A’s website… “To glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us”. They really need to add… “except for chickens and fags, we’ll just stuff those into tiny coops and not let them get married”.

P.S. The bottom line is that this company does its best to help impair the basic civil rights of a section of our population simply because they are different. So screw them. Plus, without gays how would we know if our belts match our shoes?

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WQUK Boston – When the Massachusetts State House passed the first bill on the docket on Thursday, most representatives weren’t aware of a hidden provision that was added at the last minute by a Wareham Representative. The provision, which will add the town of Wareham to Barnstable County and call for the editing of official state maps to include Wareham as part of Cape Cod, was hidden inside of House Bill 4043, which passed easily.

When asked about the controversial bill, which at face value deals with the re-districting of town elections in a handful of South Shore towns, most State Reps readily admitted they weren’t aware of the late addition which will reconfigure Cape Cod to include Wareham. One Representative went so far as to call the Bill a blatant manipulation of the political process.

We haven’t posted here on The Real Cape in quite some time, but we simply could not let this news slip by without bringing it to your attention. Somehow this hasn’t attracted the mainstream media attention we think it deserves so we dug up as much as we could about it in order to shine a light on a move that could be disastrous to the Cape as we know it.

Many Cape Cod officials have expressed fear that the change could be detrimental to the Cape and especially its tourism industry. One citizen said he is worried that “The addition of Wareham to Cape Cod will drastically increase the amount of $600 cars equipped with $3,000 rims, which will cost Barnstable County untold amounts of money in excise tax.”

April Springer, a Cape based director of retail development was quoted as saying “My concern with Wareham being part of Cape Cod is that national retailers located on the Cape like Macy’s and TJ Maxx will mistakenly change their inventory to only carry jean shorts, Affliction t-shirts and Hanes mid calf tube socks due to the updated demographics.”

Not all officials were against Bill 4043 though, when he was made aware of the hidden provision, Townesie Van Zandt, a member of the Wareham Chamber of Commerce said “Cape Cod should be thrilled to have Wareham become the peninsula’s 16th town. Wareham brings quite a bit to the table, we’ve got Marc Anthony’s Pizza and… umm… we still have payphones too.”

Meanwhile, after questioning hundreds of Cape Codders, we could only find two supporters of House Bill 4043.

“Slim” Timmy Tesno who owns both Slim’s Boost Mobile Flip Phone Mart and Timmy’s Starter Jacket Emporium (which recently expanded to sell Chinese knock-off Patriots jerseys) loves the move and seems to think the addition of Wareham will be great for business at both of his establishments.

Also strongly in favor of Wareham becoming part of Barnstable County was a pregnant woman we questioned in a Cumberland Farm’s parking lot who declined to share her “government name”.  In between puffs of a Newport and sips from a Fireball nip, the woman eloquently gloated about the amount of gas money she would save by not having to travel over the bridge for her baby daddy’s court dates.

The bottom line is the Cape needs a strong leader to fight Bill 4043. Before we know it the bridges will be bustling with people coming from Wareham to steal our jobs, abuse our school systems and healthcare services, and terrorize our citizens. If we could only find a leader who would replace the Canal with a giant wall, someone who will call for an outright ban of Wareham immigrants, someone who will establish a database of all people from Wareham already living on Cape Cod to track them, if only we could find someone who could make the Cape great again…

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CC – A swimmer made it 25 miles across Nantucket Sound Friday in just over 12 hours to raise money for cancer programs on Nantucket.

Grant Wentworth, 28, raised $134,000 so Nantucket Cottage Hospital can bring an oncologist to the island from Massachusetts General Hospital each week.

The New York man began the swim from Yarmouth to Nantucket around 4 a.m. from Seagull Beach in Yarmouth and arrived on the island just before 4:30 p.m Friday.

According to Swim Across America’s Facebook page, Wentworth is only the second person to ever swim across Nantucket Sound and the first to do it originating on Cape Cod.

Now here is a guy who did things right. We didn’t hear one word about this until he did it. There are so many of these people we read about for weeks, even months before their attempts to do something outrageous, and then they fail. This guy just quietly went about doing something that has never been done before. Credit where credit is due.

Can you even fathom swimming for 12 hours straight?  I don’t think I could even stand for 12 hours straight. Dude saved himself some money on ferry tickets though. Kudos to Grant, not only was he humble, but he made it AND the island got an oncologist out of the deal. That’s almost enough to forgive him for being from New York… almost. All I know is it’s a good thing there aren’t any rotaries in Nantucket Sound or else he never would have made it.

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Good lord, even our bunny rabbits aren’t safe from abduction anymore. Did anyone check to see if the Squirrel Brothers are still in jail? They have to be the #1 suspects right? Who else would have more of a motive to kidnap a rabbit than a Squirrel? We’ve been right about these things before, maybe we should break this case wide open as well.

The only problem is that the FPD has released the description of a suspect in the case and it doesn’t really match either of the Squirrel Brothers. Apparently the suspect is 3′ 7″ tall, bald, talks with a heavy lisp and is extremely clumsy and injury prone. He may also be using an alias and respond to “Egghead”.

WAIT! We’ve done it again, we’ve cracked another case. Put out an APB, we just hired a sketch artist, so be on the lookout for the man below. Warning, he is armed and not very dangerous…

P.S. Yes, this is the worst joke in the history of The Real Cape, give us a break, it’s Friday and we’ve already checked out mentally.

 

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In a recent expedition WHOI made a startling discovery. It turns out that scientists have been wrong for all of these years. The opposite of what we’ve always believed when it comes to celestial bodies’ influence over the oceans is actually true. We now have definitive photographic evidence that the moon is actually controlled by the tides and not the other way around as previously thought.

thanks to Sandra for the pic

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Ranker – If you’re big on traveling, then you’ve undoubtedly come across a few tourist traps in your time. To help you avoid such mistakes, we’ve put together this list of the world’s worst tourist traps.

#1 Ready to have your mind blown? Plymouth Rock… is just a rock.

It’s about time the rest of the country realized what we Cape Codders have known since 1620. Not only is it just a rock, but there is zero evidence that it is even the right rock. In fact, there isn’t much evidence to prove that the Pilgrims ever actually landed on any rock.

The real kicker is that here on Cape Cod we know that Plymouth is not the first place the Pilgrims landed anyway. They spent five weeks on Cape Cod before they headed to Plymouth. So basically Plymouth got our Pilgrim sloppy seconds. We took the Pilgrims new world V card. Cape Cod could text the pilgrims right now and the Pilgrims would sneak out of Plymouth in the middle of the night for a booty call back on the Cape. We know it, the rock knows it, and Plymouth knows it.

Wake up America, the pilgrims came to Cape Cod first, and we are still #1 in their hearts. Whenever a Cape Codder visits Plimoth Plantation, it’s all sorts of awkward. The Pilgrims are looking at us with those “take me back” eyes, telling us how good we look while we reminisce about old times, and Plymouth just sits in the corner sipping its beer powerlessly knowing it could be cuckolded at any moment.

Poor Plymouth, it knows it’s playing second fiddle, and with more and more articles like these popping up it looks like rest of the country is learning the truth as well. They are learning about Plymouth’s fake ass rock and who the Pilgrims real daddy is.

So yeah, it may be the biggest tourist trap in the country, and it’s just a rock, but the worst part is that it knows the Pilgrims won’t ever completely let go of their real true love… Cape Cod. Firsties! We own the rock, we own the pilgrims, we invented America, and there’s nothing anyone can do to change that. Cape Cod for the win!

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Wait a minute. Bear Week In Provincetown is just a bunch of hairy fat guys drinking with no shirts on? What’s the big deal? It looks exactly like a Real Cape meeting.

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